ughhhh

This shit is so much harder than I expected it to be. I am so depressed when are not around. So, tonight you are on boyfriend duty and it's driving me crazy. I wish that we could spend time together. But the reality of it all is that we will never be able to go out together and do normal things that couples do because you and I both are not supposed to be with one another. That means while you are out having fun with her on Friday night I am at home drinking Tequila and being extremely angry because my boyfriend is in the damn basement blasting reggae music. I want us to enjoy each others company. How much longer is this going to go on or how much longer am I going to stand for this. I so want to be with you but this girl on the side is not how it should be.

Growing

So, we discussed whether we should move forward with this and neither one of us is strong enough to leave the other alone. What does that mean? We both have someone and know that it is wrong and has the potential to end up bad, yet the comfort of being with each other for just a few minutes is enough for us to keep on doing this. Now we have to sneak around and hide this secret that feels so good, to good to not tell anyone. Your kisses are so soft and so passionate that it is a wonder that we don't set something on fire as our lips play hide and seek inside each others mouth. How can you not see the discontent in my face when you are NOT around. I felt excited as you told me that you were riding along singing to the song as she sat next to you and asked why you were in such a playful mood and smiled. She would not have smiled had she known that smile on your face was being placed there by another women. I feel alone at night when I lay down next to him because he is not you.

My feelings are growing! This can't be good.

Beautiful Moments

You seldom get many chances to experience a truly beautiful moment. So, when you do you need to take advantage of that moment completely. Tonight, I stood in the rain, and I gave and received the most passionate, soft, long-lasting, earth-moving kiss I have ever received. It was amazing. I felt that kiss with ever nerve ending in my body. It made me wet in places that the rain couldn't even reach. I can still feel the drops of rain landing on our faces as our lips searched for one another. How can I be so happy that you found me but feel so confused as to why you did at the same time.

.

You made my day

Okay so my friend told me not to do it but I did. I went ahead and let you all the way, completely, and totally in. It was the best decision I have made in a long time. It was probably not the best judgement call I have ever made but right now I am searching for my happiness again. I'm tired of HIM draining the life out of me with his negativity, his constant anger over everything and his lack of ambition. I don't have the energy to keep giving someone positive affirmations. But, on the other side YOU make me smile. You tell me how you feel about me, call me sweet names and I can actually hear you smiling through the phone. Could it be because you are new to me and everyone is always happy about a new relationship? But, I have had these same feelings for you in the past when we were together. At the moment I am just enjoying your company. Neither one of us are available to be with each other so we have to take this one step at a time. I am happy to see where this goes. And, if for any reason it doesn't work out I still thank you for showing me happiness that I have not had in a very long time.

Random thoughts of where you came from

I don't know where you came from but I know I was excited when you found me on Facebook. But, after a couple days I don't know if you were the best thing for me. In my current situation I don't know if I'm happy, content or just here but I do know that the feeling I used to have about love appears when I see you message me but I don't get that same feeling whenever my boyfriend walks in the room. I admit that I am in my relationship due to circumstance. We have a kid together and they years just keep passing and I haven't called it quits because of my kid. What do I do? I have lost myself and I know that but more importantly I have lost the feeling of what it's like to be happy and in love. But I found that emotion again. I missed it just as much as I missed you. You were my first everything. My first love, my first real relationship, my FIRST so you will always outweigh everyone else. So, even though you may not know that I can't have you sending me messages or posting on my comments because it gives me hope. I don't know if it's hope for you or hope for me. I don't have the heart to break up what I have to pursue something that is uncertain. Maybe it's a good thing you found me because everything that I have just said rings true to who I used to be which is the person I still want to be. I am unhappy where I am and I do want to be in love and you have opened that can of worms all over again. Even though you have not said it I know that you are with someone and probably have been for a while but if you say it then it makes it real and that's why you haven't told me that yet.I can tell that I was a great love to you and I hear it in your voice that I still mean something to you now. Should I  continue to talk to you so I can hang on to that feeling? Should I leave you alone knowing that this isn't going to end up the way I would like? What should I do?

One thing is definite... I keep having random thoughts of you constantly, and I LOVE IT!!!!